Vae Voteus
by Jazzmaster
Summary: It's the first ever election in Nosgoth. The candidates - Kain, Vorador, Janos, Zephon and Moebius. Raziel takes us through the campaign. COMPLETE


Raziel: Good evening Nosgoth. It's the eve of the election campaign, and joining me in the studio here tonight are the five main party candidates: Kain, Janos, Vorador, Zephon and Moebius. There are of course other candidates including Not-King Ottmar and Faustus, but they aren't important enough to be here. We have a lot of things to discuss tonight, so let me first ask Kain: Do you think your time as ruler of Nosgoth has been successful?  
  
Kain: Well I have led Nosgoth for thousands of years and I haven't heard any complaints.  
  
Vorador: That's nonsense. Look at the CORRUPTION which has resulted from this man's leadership. The world has been decaying all because of this man's refusal to sacrifice himself for the good of the world.  
  
Kain: That has nothing to do with me; the decay began during the days of The Circle. Do we really want to go back to the days of their rule?  
  
Moebius: I would hope so. It's the VAMPIRES who are ruining this world. My friends, I pledge to wipe this scourge from our world if you put your faith in me.  
  
Raziel: How exactly do you plan to remove the vampires from Nosgoth?  
  
Kain: Yes, how exactly DO you plan to remove them?  
  
Moebius: I plan to reform the Sarafan and give them a strong presence on the streets.  
  
Raziel: And how do you respond to claims that you're AFRAID of the vampires?  
  
We see now that Moebius is not in the studio at all; we can merely see his face in a crystal ball.  
  
Moebius: That's ridiculous. I merely happen to be here, several thousand miles away because.. erm... I'm visiting a sick child.  
  
Raziel: There are plenty of sick children here.  
  
We hear someone coughing in the background.  
  
Moebius: Yes, but this one is... really sick. In fact, he's just died.  
  
Raziel: Janos, tell us about your campaign.  
  
Janos: I have a wonderful vision of the future of Nosgoth, where vamp...  
  
Raziel: Sorry to interrupt you there Janos but time is tight. Zephon, you're standing against your father in this campaign, how does that feel?  
  
Kain: Yes Zephon, how does that feel?  
  
Zephon: I am an idiot. Do not vote for me. Vote for Kain.  
  
Raziel: I'm sorry?  
  
Zephon: He says he'll kill me if...  
  
Kain: Can we get back to the REAL issues of this campaign? Now I pledge to kill every last person who doesn't vote for me.  
  
Vorador: Oh come on Kain, we both know that's a ridiculous promise that you can't possibly hope to keep.  
  
Kain: Fuck off Vorador. Who's going to vote for you? All you do is sit in that big mansion of yours gorging on an extortionate amount of humans. How many humans does one vampire need?  
  
Vorador: I'd like to point out that there have been no major technological advances under Kain's long, long leadership.  
  
Kain: What are you talking about? Sharp pointy things have gotten both sharper AND pointier under my leadership.  
  
Raziel: Janos, how do you feel Kain has done leading Nosgoth?  
  
Janos: Well I...  
  
Raziel: Sorry to interrupt you there Janos.  
  
There is a long pause.  
  
Raziel: Er... carry on.  
  
Janos: As I was...  
  
Raziel: Sorry to interrupt you there Janos but we're out of time. Don't forget to cast YOUR vote tomorrow and I'll see you then for the result.  
  
***  
  
The next day...  
  
The candidates have gathered, even Moebius is here in person this time, albeit with his staff which wards off vampires.  
  
Raziel: I can exclusively reveal that the winner is... Moebius!  
  
Moebius: Thank you, thank you! Nosgoth has awoken to a new dawn...  
  
Kain: Wait a minute...  
  
Vorador: How did that shit beat us?  
  
Moebius: Ha ha ha ha. It was my plan all along. You see, the vote begins when the sun rises and ends when the sun sets... so you see the vampires wouldn't go out to vote because the sun would either kill or irritate them! Ha ha ha. Only the humans voted, and they voted for the only candidate who wasn't going to kill them.  
  
Janos: I wasn't goi....  
  
Raziel: Sorry to interrupt you there Janos, but we have to go.  
  
Moebius: I am the ruler of Nosgoth!  
  
FIN 


End file.
